REVIEW: The Jubilee Concert

Clearly, if my Twitter timeline is to be believed, there were royalists who watches a different concert to the utter shambles I witnessed yesterday evening. And I hope some of those spouting pro-monarchist platitudes and "proud to be British" nonsense have woken with a guilty feeling and some common sense once their hangovers have passed.



Yes, there were a few reasonable acts: Stevie Wonder and Kylie Minogue clearly stole the show, while Madness did well up on the roof of Buck House despite the poor sound engineering that blighted many acts. Tom Jones, with his reptilian skin clearly shined for the occasion, was surprisingly ok and Ed was blandly alright. Beyond that few did their careers any good and the likes of Annie Lennox, JLS and Jessie J may as well not have bothered.

But, oh dear, there were some embarrassing and career-ending performances to mark Luz Windsor's 60 years of lauding over us ordinary mortals, doing very little and taking lots of money from the poor.

Elton John clearly thought he was auditioning for a new musical about the Elephant Man with awful annunciation and a dreadful singing performance. Paul McCartney did what he always does by making everyone realise he was only ever the third most talented Beatle (and only there because of Ringo's general ineptitude). Shirley Bassey was as abominable as ever. Cheryl Cole proved she is a dancer and not a singer - and that she is totally lost without autotune (how can she ever "mentor" contestants on a talent show after this evening?).

As for the Take That boys: Gary Barlow showed he is a sycophantic dullard without any sense of occasion. Robbie Williams simply scattered the ashes of his career around the foot of Queen Victoria's statue.

Astonishingly Ed Sheeran's bland musical wallpaper was one of the stand out performances of the night - that's how bad things got!

One of the more bizarre acts, amongst an evening of underperformances was Grace Jones (yes, really) singing her hit from over 20 years ago whilst hula-hooping for the duration!

The running order was just bizarre. Each time the party atmosphere was picked up there'd be a classical act to dissipate the moment and lose the audience. I gave nothing against classical musicians, obviously, but an event that includes pop, rock and classical all together needs careful organisation, not just a random order (if it wasn't random there is something even more wrong with Barlow's artistic judgement than previously thought).

Cliff Richard was simply excruciating, as we're most of the comedians who provided links - Miranda Hart proved once more that she is just not funny, as did Peter Kay. Rob Brydon was cringeworthy and Jimmy Carr should have known better (let's hope the size of the cheque made it worth it eh Jim?). The worst was Lenny Henry who, having got Rolf Harris to pad for time by singing "Two Little Boys" decided to cut him short before the final chorus - just as the crowd were getting behind him and joining in the impromptu performance.

Is it written into Lenny Henry's contract that wherever he performs he has to point out to everyone that he's black? It does seem to be so.

The biggest let down has, of course, been well advertised (with its own primer one documentary last night) - "Sing" was co-written by Gary Barlow and Andrew Lloyd Webber and featured performances from musicians from the Commonwealth as well as the ghastly Military Wives Choir - Gareth Malone, j'accuse! Even with a huge assortment if global talents Barlow managed to make it all sound like a treacly non-event unworthy if a school fete let alone a Diamond Jubilee.

The whole event was a shameless overblown nonsense that, at a time of national austerity, must have a few budgets very stretched.

The dull facade of Buck House was used to good effect as a screen for some effective projections - though they were rather A-level Media Studies in imagination.

And then there was Charlie Windsor's speech. Truly diabolical, and yet many on Twitter thought it great. I do hope those people watch it again when sober to see just how ridiculous it was.

The whole Jubilee weekend has been one big, expensive con trick. It's deflected the proles from the real issues in this country and the wider world, and it's been done to garner support for the anachronism that is monarchy.

Maybe they're just setting the bar really low for the Olympic Games ceremonies? Because almost anything will be better than this evening's parade of the undead.

I do hope we never see the likes of this event ever again. Or if we do it is for something worthwhile - nit just an old lady living a privileged existence at vast economic, social and moral cost to the rest of us.

Happy Jubilee! May it be the last!

Gary Barlow & Andrew Lloyd Webber's official Jubilee song

It's a dream pairing: top songwriters Gary Barlow and Andre Lloyd Webber combining to write a song together. Whatever they produce is almost certainly guaranteed to be a number one hit.

But...

Isn't it awful?

Click here to watch the video.

The lyrics aren't that bad but the hook? "SI-I-I-I-NG" Is it a hook? It's a sort of collective whine.

It's even got the ghastly "Army Wives" on it. *shudder*

It takes bland to a new low.

And no, it's not because I'm opposed to the monarchy and won't be celebrating the jubilee that I dislike it. It's just a bad song.

If there was to be a communal sing song of it the chorus is more likely to sound like a herd if sick cows.

A disappointing song to mark a disappointing and idiotic institution. Maybe it is a match made in heaven?

OPINION: Michael Gove and a new royal yacht

Michael Gove gets a very bad press in education circles. This is, of course, nothing new. Teachers tend to mistrust and dislike most Secretaries of State for Education whether they are Labour, Tory or, potentially, while we have a coalition, Lib Dem.

Mchael Gove, however, doesn't help his case. He often takes things a step too far, or comes up with ideas which, quite frankly, are just plain dumb.

Yesterday evening a letter that he wrote was leaked to The Guardian. In it he argues the case for the nation giving a new royal yacht to the Queen to mark her diamond jubilee this year.

Gove is an enthusiastic monarchist. Like those who have religion, he has the same emptiness behind his eyes that all morons who support monarchy have.

Gove argues that a new royal yacht would be an appropriate gift to the monarch and would not only create much-needed work in our shipbuilding industry, but would give every man, woman and child a feel good feeling.

Really? Yep, he's that much of a moron.

Firstly, why should Liz Windsor get any "gift" from the nation. She's been taking millions and millions of pounds annually for oing little of merit or worth. Her year is pretty much non-stop holiday and yet this year she and hubby couldn't be arsed to attend the Royal Variety Performance, which is put on for her benefit, because it was in Salford. I don't see many fom the North West feeling they've had value ir money from the £200+ million spent on the monarchy every year.

Secondly, Gove argues that a new royal yacht would create jobs - well, it might have one had it been commissioned a couple of years ago. As it is, even the best, most efficient shipyards wouldn't be able to build a new royal yacht in the time between now and the Jubilee celebrations in the early summer. Additionally, by EU rules I suspect that such a process would have to be put out to render across Europe and, with the UK's run down, overpriced and increasingly inexperienced shipbuilding industry, the chances are that a non-UK shipyard would win the contract to build the new royal yacht.

Thirdly, Gove claims a new royal yacht would only cost about £60 million. Well, when the Royal Yacht Britannia was decommissioned in 1997, a decision made in equal parts by the dregs of John Major's government and the incoming, reforming government of Tony Blair, it was estimated a replacement would have cost between £60 - 70 million. The likelihood is that a new royal yacht, if the luxury ships owned by the likes of various wealthy Russian oligarchs is anything to go by, would be much nearer to £200 million.

Fourthly, Gove believes that, having had cutbacks, job losses, fuel price rises, inflation, wage freezes, pension turmoil, etc. we'll all feel a warm glow if happiness because our overpaid, underworked, privileged monarch had a new luxury toy for her holidays. Really? Is he really THAT demented? Apparently so.

Even Cameron, very often the Moron-in-Chief, thinks it's a bad idea - though he, it seems does think putting the idea out o public subscription might work and be a good idea. By the time the ship was ready, and all paid for, chances are we might have a new monarch who, I. It ice, has today said he supports the idea of a new royal yacht. Quelle Surprise! Charlie Windsor wants more from the public to support his worthless lifestyle.

The suggestion that the nation buys anything for Liz Windsor is, at best insulting to the public and, at worst, is an evil and deluded suggestion from someone who urgently needs to spend some time with his family - though I pity them if he does.

No to a royal yacht - and, while we're at it, time for a republic!

OPINION: What can the Irish do but not the UK?

Yesterday, while the Commonwealth were deciding whether future male or female members of one family should rule over them, there was an election in Ireland unlike anything we've ever seen in the UK. They were voting for their new Head of State - their President.

In Ireland, the Head of State is a largely ceremonial role. I know there are ill-informed monarchists who will say that Elizabeth Windsor, in her position as monarch, has a largely ceremonial role but they are ignoring the legal status and powers which the monarch really has.

The Irish President holds office for seven years and can only be re-elected once. Although political parties put forward candidates the role itself is non political.

Why can't we have such a system in the UK? If Liz Windsor, or any of her descendants, wishes to stand for election they can. And if they win then that's all well and good but why do the British public tolerate a system whereby the Head of State, and all the powers that includes, is selected by which birth canal a child passes through rather than their suitability for the job or being democratically elected?

It's time for a change. There are already parties planned for Liz's jubilee next year. Why not use them to celebrate her retirement and the introduction of an accountable Head of State?

It's time to learn from the Irish.

OPINION: Are we heading for a UK revolution?

As Bob Dylan sang: The times they are a'changing!

 Most democracies evolve, often very slowly, over hundreds of years. In the UK there are signs that the need and desire for change is accelerating.

1. Earlier this year, we had a referendum about a new voting system (it failed but it was only the second referendum in the history of the UK).

2. Today, MPs will debate calls for another referendum, this time about membership of the EU, brought about because 100,000 people signed an e-petition.

3. For 10 days protestors have been camped outside St. Paul's Cathedral in the City of London making their voice heard on issues including corporate greed, banking dishonesty and societal inequalities.

These are just three examples of the political balance being edged slightly away from its historical roots.

There's always been protests and marches but the past decade has seen a million or more on the streets of London to oppose the war in Iraq - it could be argued that, ultimately, this lead to Tony Blair's downfall. Other huge marches have happened about issues such as fox hunting.

And then there were the riots of summer 2011; a 5-day orgy of anarchy in some areas, the police ineffectual against seemingly organised gangs whose behaviour "inspired" a swathe of lawlessness.

Is this all just a blip - the proles rattling the cage of those who truly rule - or is this something more significant?

In the UK we were the first major nation to have a revolution. More than a century before the French or Americans ditched their monarchy we had the English Civil War and over a decade as a republic. Sadly, it was a false dawn and we had the Restoration which returned everything to its previous status and with bells on!

This isn't just an anti-monarchy rant. They are just the figurehead that highlights the inequalities in society. There is a wider "elite" that keeps power and privilege in their grubby hands whilst keeping the rest of us very much in our place.

It's nearly 100 years since the Russians got rid of the Czars but it would be wrong to suggest their troubled century has given everyone their fair share.

The UK government (and opposition) makes great efforts to highlight our great "democracy" - but it's a token democracy with whip-controlled MPs doing exactly what their pay-masters tell them (most of the time!).

Next year will see both the Olympic Games come to London and the Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II. The government will be keen to make the Olympics the "people's games" but
they will have a bigger problem celebrating Liz Windsor's jubilee while there are families struggling to put food on their kids' plates and keep their houses warm.

Maybe #OccupyLSX should have an annexe set up outside Buck House, or any of the other castles and homes we, as a nation, loan to our monarch for free?

Maybe we need marches in every city around the country demanding a new Britain with a new constitution, a new bill of rights and an end to the corruption and privilege that has been the roadblock preventing the UK from being a truly civilised and democratic nation.

The problem is the majority of the population are too apathetic - or is that just plain pathetic.

The time has come for a new start. 2012 could be that be start - the tipping point when the UK actually becomes a democracy.

Let's stop cow-towing to the Windsors and their cronies.

Let's stop putting up with a parliamentary democracy that isn't very democratic.

Let's stop accepting the inequalities in society and give everyone the equality of opportunbity they deserve and should be their right at birth.

We need a new beginning - a nation of rights AND responsibilities, where anyone COULD be Head of State, where everyone can earn a good living for themselves and their family and where nobody goes cold or hungry.

Let's stop letting those in power manipulate the rest of us for their benefit and let's take control.

Vive la Revolution!